


A Beautiful Tragedy

by Jacepens



Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1960s, Alternate Universe - Ballet, Angst, Blood and Gore, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, I promise the ending is hopeful, Inspired by Music, It starts nice, M/M, New York City, Rain, Suicide, coffee dates, just very tragic, like Really Good Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacepens/pseuds/Jacepens
Summary: George met him on a rainy day in the city, with no coat and soaked in rain, he took pity on him. It was only after he bought him a hot chocolate he learned he was the famous Marquis de Lafayette, dancer of the century as the papers said. The two find themselves falling for each other quite quickly but are unsure if they should truly stay together. There are many things in their way, including each other, but they both desperately want to make things work...somehow.
Relationships: Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/George Washington
Comments: 13
Kudos: 8





	1. Passacaglia for Solo Piano “Distant Figure”

**Author's Note:**

> So please pay careful attention to the tags and note that there is suicide in this fic. There are no suicidal thoughts, but the other character witnesses it happen. Please use caution when reading this, take care of yourself first.  
> This fic is inspired by [this song (spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/album/4eUqJMI97FJ5YzTGovLzUL?highlight=spotify:track:3c4EbpK9HZNbMlqyvcapit)  
> [(youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtsFALJ1mUU)  
> and each chapter will have a different song to listen to while reading it! The song I linked is instrumental, they all will be, and I recommend listening to it while reading! But of course, you don’t have to. This is the main song that inspired this whole story. I'm really excited to share this, it's pretty different from what I usually write but I like the way it turned out!  
> Enjoy!!

The rain splashed down on the asphalt road and splattered against George’s umbrella as he briskly walked down the crowded New York City street. The storm clouds covered up the sun, but the city lights still shined down on the wet pavement creating a beautiful blend of colors on the street. Cars sighed past, splashing through puddles and divots on the uneven streets, their own headlights adding to the artwork across the road.

George’s own oxfords stomped into puddles. He frowned as he tried to avoid mud and particularly muddy puddles, all his attention focused on the street and trying to avoid making too big of a mess. If he hadn’t looked up for that brief moment to see a street he was about to cross, he never would have noticed the man dashing hurriedly down the street. If George hadn’t looked up he would have assumed it was someone late to a meeting or work, or someone who was simply impatient. If he hadn’t looked up he would never have seen the man gripping his shoulders as he ran and continued to get drenched as he had no umbrella or coat of any kind.

He seemed to be in a desperate hurry as he weaved through people, only occasionally pushing his wet hair aside to see who he was pushing past. George headed for the man who looked awfully pitiful and upset, to offer a helping hand. There was no need for him to get the man’s attention as he suddenly ran right into him, gasping and brushing his hair aside. The man yelped and began apologizing extensively and George immediately noticed his very thick foreign accent.

“Do not trouble yourself with it.” George smiled warmly, extending a hand, “what on earth are you doing out here with no umbrella or coat on? You must be freezing.” The man blushed sweetly.

“Well you see, I forgot my umbrella and I was...trying to uh, trying to get to my room. I also left my wallet and I do not want to go back.” The man stumbled over his sentence and words in that accent and George never found poor grammar to be so charming. “Oh! My goodness monsieur and I made your nice clothes wet. I am so very sorry, I am having a bad day.” He frowned.

“Here, why don’t you come with me to a coffee shop just down the road. I’ll get you something to warm you up, I was the one who clearly bumped into you.” He gently offered.

“No! Nonsense!” The man shook his head, scattering little raindrops from his hair everywhere with the motion. “You shouldn’t do that for me, I am fine.” He said, a shiver running through him. George shook his head and kindly tutted.

“You will freeze to death, now follow me.” The man had a lovely smile that he flashed at George as he offered him his umbrella. The man stepped under the cover, closer to George than perhaps a stranger should be allowed, but George felt nothing but ease in his presence.

He quickly led him to the small shop and opened the door for him, the bell ringing to alert the workers of their arrival. The coffeeshop itself was small and lit with warm, brown lights that made it only feel darker in the grey outside, but George always found it quite soothing.

“I’ll be right with you!” A voice called out from behind the counter.

“Oh, I have never been here before. Is it good?” The man asked eagerly, looking around at the cluttered picture frames and signs that littered the walls.

“By how much he frequents this place, I’d say he loves it.” The voice called out, now facing the two. “Weren’t you just here a few minutes ago? Already back for more?” The man chuckled, setting down the mug he was cleaning and throwing the dirty rag over his shoulder.

“I was, but you see this man is having quite a terrible day from the looks of it. I crashed into him and only made his day worse, so I’m buying him a coffee to make up for it. Actually, do you have any towels you would mind sparing for him, Ben?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a few. I’ll be back in a jiff.” He chuckled and disappeared from view once more.

“Ben?” The man asked.

“Yes, and he was right, I am in here too often, but believe me it is wonderful.” George assured, removing his coat and shaking off his umbrella outside to set it down against the wall.

“Oh dear, I have not even introduced myself yet, monsieur. Ah, my apologies!”

“Why, there’s no reason to apologize. I have not done the same either. I am George Washington.” He grinned, holding out his hand to shake.

“Oh! Why I know you!” The man beamed shaking his hand and bouncing on his toes, “you a producer at the...Hollywood! Yes! Why are you here?”

“Well, I am here quite often. I have a townhouse just outside the city, but I’m actually currently visiting to see a show. I thought it would be a nice change of pace, I’m on a bit of a vacation if you will.” He smiled.

“Oh! I have done it again!” He giggled, a blush appearing on his cheeks, “My name is Lafayette. Well, Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette as I like to say.” He grinned sheepishly.

“Good Lord.” George breathed, “why, you are the very reason I am in the city.”

“Oh! You will see me? How exciting!” He grinned widely, bouncing on his toes in excitement.

“Yes, goodness, I can not believe I didn’t-”

“Here are those towels, George.” Ben interrupted, handing George the towels.

“Thank you, Ben. Lafayette, here.” He handed Lafayette the towels, “I’m sure Ben will allow you into his bathroom in the back to dry off as best you can.” Ben scoffed.

“It’s only because you give me so much money you get so many special privileges.” Lafayette smiled at that, little dimples appearing on the tops of his cheeks.

“I thank you for your kindness.” Lafayette smiled as Ben opened the partition to let him through. Once Lafayette had disappeared Ben spoke up.

“So what, you’re just picking up random guys on the street now?” He smirked, leaning over the counter.

“What? No, it’s a simple nice gesture.” He rushed out, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Ben scoffed again and laughed.

“He’s too cute for you anyway.” He sighed.

“What- ?”

“Did you get his order in between all that flirting?”

“Ah, no.” Ben rolled his eyes, flashing him that knowing smirk. George scowled at him.

They stood in silence waiting for Lafayette to emerge from the bathroom. Ben began scribbling away on some paper, eyebrows drawn in concentration. George gazed out the window to the street. The rain still fell heavy, streaking the paned window and dripping from the striped awning. He watched as the little droplets raced each other on the pane, wondering when Lafayette would emerge.

He heard the squeak of a door open and saw Lafayette quickly scurry out from behind the counter. Most of his clothes were still soaked but Lafayette’s hair was now much drier as it poofed up and curled around his face, making for a very cute picture. He handed Ben the towels and thanked him again, stepping out from behind the counter to George’s side.

“Now that’s much better, I’m sure.” He smiled, “what would you like to drink?”

“Oh, a hot chocolate would be wonderful.” Lafayette blushed.

“Did you get that?” George asked Ben.

“Got it, one hot chocolate for the Frenchman coming up.”

“Thank you, again, George. Your kindness is...well I truly appreciate it. You have brightened my day.” He giggled.

George placed his hand on his shoulder and took in his radiant smile.

“You’re most welcome, _marquis._ ” Lafayette laughed loudly and blushed, playfully swatting George’s hand away.

Ben brought out Lafayette’s drink and George paid the man, thanking him again as well. Ben only winked at him and grinned devilishly causing George to scoff. George and Lafayette sat down in a booth near the back of the shop, Lafayette’s trembling hands gripping the hot beverage tight. He raised it to his lip and exclaimed.

“Mon Dieu! Oh! You were right, monsieur! This is fantastic!” Lafayette exclaimed as Ben smirked in the background, scribbling notes. George’s stomach curled around the way the words sounded on his tongue. He felt a warm happiness bubble in his chest at the exclamation and the way Lafayette now greedily gulped down more.

“Ben is a god at this stuff.”

“Indeed!” Lafayette agreed, taking another gulp. “Thank you. Not only for the drink, but for showing me this wonderful place. I would miss it if you had not showed me.”

“Yes, the space is rather small, but to stay in business on a street like this for as long as Ben has, you have to be good.”

“I can only imagine.” Lafayette nodded, before frowning and looking up at George. “You and Ben are...close, I imagine.” George blushed and stammered at the man’s bluntness, thinking things must be different in France.

“No, no. Goodness, I could never make that work with him.” He chuckled, “there is someone else though for Ben, he is usually here but not tonight.” Lafayette nodded thoughtfully, hiding a small smile behind his coffee cup.

“That’s an awfully personal thing to ask a man you just met.” George pushed, an amused smile on his face. Lafayette’s smile grew.

“I suppose so, but you two are close. I apologize for my curiosity, I _have_ been told I’m too curious for my own good.”

“Well, no harm was done. But I wish to know more about you. I simply cannot believe I happened to bump into the Marquis de Lafayette.” George gushed.

“Well, I cannot believe I bumped into the George Washington.” Lafayette teased.

“I am hardly a household name.” George huffed, still smiling at the Frenchman.

“Well, you are to me! I love your movies! Well, I love all movies, but I always have a liking for anything with your name on it. The movies are always much more real and personal.” He said in a rush, leaning forward in his excitement.

“But Lafayette, you are known around the world as one of the most talented dancers of our time!” George raved, “I was elated when I saw you would be in New York.”

“Yes well, this whole world fame thing can be very exhausting very quickly.” Lafayette chuckled, “I am lucky I get to stay here for some time!”

“I can only imagine what that much traveling can do to one’s motivation.”

“Oh, it is always so exciting, but soon moving around becomes so exhausting. There is truly an...unspoken hero in not moving.” Lafayette mused, waving his hand about in the air.

“Agreed.” George smiled. Lafayette met his smile and giggled before taking another drink of his hot chocolate, warmth returning to his face.

“Oh my!” Lafayette suddenly shouted, “do you have the time?”

“Yes, it’s half-past three.” George remarked, looking at his watch.

“Oh, George, I must leave you. I have a show tonight and my lion will kill me if I’m late again.” George gave him a confused look at the statement.

“Well, let me get you a cab, alright? You don’t need to be outside with no umbrella or coat.”

“No, no. You are already too kind to me.” Lafayette insisted, setting down his empty mug.

“Lafayette, I insist.” He smiled warmly, gently gripping his outstretched hand on the table. Lafayette’s face turned pink and he nodded.

“Ok.”

“You stay inside while I get it.” Lafayette nodded again as George withdrew his hand and stood. He grabbed his umbrella and jacket from the stand to head outside and hail a cab. The bell rang behind him as the door shut and he was surrounded by the rain once more. He hailed a cab and asked him to wait a moment for his friend, quickly opening the door to ask Lafayette outside. He dashed under his umbrella and hopped into the cab as George reached into his wallet.

“Why don’t you come with me?” Lafayette smiled from inside the cab, “I’ll need your umbrella.” George couldn't help but smile as he followed Lafayette into the backseat of the car. Lafayette gave the man the address and they lurched off through the rain.

Lafayette spoke in a much more hushed tone, leaning in and giggling every so often at George. George felt that same warmth rise in his chest when Lafayette, engaged in their conversation, placed his hand on his thigh. George almost intertwined his hand in his, lost in his dazzling eyes and curly hair until the car suddenly stopped. George shook the fuzziness from his mind and paid the driver.

He opened up his door and held out the umbrella for Lafayette to walk under as he walked him to the door. Just before he went inside, Lafayette stopped and faced George, his breath steaming in the air before him as they were still so close together hiding from the rain.

“What night will I be seeing you?” He practically whispered.

“Tonight, and I got a few more nights after tonight because I was expecting to fall in love with it.” He shyly admitted.

“That is great news.” Lafayette grinned, “I will be happy to see you again.” He leaned forward and for a moment George almost closed the space between them, but luckily he held himself right where he was. It was not an easy task as Lafayette almost looked as if he was pouting when George only stood. They stayed there for a moment too long, studying the other's features until suddenly Lafayette shook his head. George watched his hair as it caught the light from advertisements.

“I need to go inside now. Thank you, again, for everything. I look forward to seeing you tonight.”

“As do I.” He smiled, placing a quick peck on Lafayette’s cheek before quickly dashing away, grinning impossibly wide.

Lafayette dashed inside, his heart pounding incredibly fast in his chest as he smiled wide, skin tingling where George’s lips pressed a kiss. He let out a laugh, distracted, and thinking about the charming man who was now getting into another cab. Lafayette wondered what he would wear tonight. George saw him watching through the window and gave him a small wave before he was gone. Lafayette giggled again, unable to contain his happiness. He shook his head with a smile and whirled around to meet Alexander at the back of the theater.

“What’s got you looking all giddy?” Alex said, glancing up from his clipboard, “it wasn’t that man who dropped you off was it?”

“Perhaps.” He grinned. Alexander rolled his eyes, but his mouth betrayed a small smile of amusement.

“As long as you’re not late today. Go ahead and get your makeup and hair ready. Peggy’s waiting for you.” He said, attention back to his clipboard.

“Little Lion, if I might ask, where is George Washington sitting tonight?” He asked, still beaming.

“Let me see, uh,” he shuffled through the papers on his clipboard, “looks like F7, but come on marquis, I can’t have you losing focus.” He snapped.

“No, it will only make me more focused! I assure you, mon petit lion.” He laughed.

“Come on, you know I don’t like that nickname.” He glared, pouting to his clipboard.

“But it suits you too well! I will see you later!” He waved before rushing up the stairs to their makeup and hair room.

He still couldn’t seem to wipe off his smile as he recounted his encounter with George to Peggy while she carefully applied blush to his already pink cheeks. He didn’t even complain like he usually did when she yanked his hair back into a tight bun atop his head. He could only think about George and about putting on the best show of his life tonight. She finished the look by slapping on copious amounts of creme in his hair to keep the look stiff and make sure not a single hair was out of place.

Lafayette thanked her and went to his room to change into his outfit. He unbuttoned his shirt and replaced it with the shirt gilded in colorful gems that matched the others, although his was the most immaculate. He was made to stand out even among the others' glittering costumes, he and Adrienne were the ones meant to be the center of attention in glittering blue.

He laced up his ballet flats, frowning at the scuff marks along the edges, someone was supposed to clean these before every show. Although from a distance they still looked brand new. Lafayette stretched out on the bar in his room, raising his foot above his head with ease and then sinking to the floor in the splits. He had performed this show at least a hundred times and had no fear of forgetting a single step. It had become muscle memory to him, but he always made sure to be present when he danced, otherwise the performance would be dead. Anyone could get up on the stage and copy him, but it took feeling and passion to make a great performance.

Someone knocked on his door and Lafayette told them to come in.

“Alex wants us downstairs to run over the ball scene one last time.” Adrienne said, standing in his door frame in costume and makeup.

“Again?” Lafayette grumbled, letting go of the bar. “Very well.” They quickly ran down the stairs and rehearsed the scene to Alexander’s contempt, which was hard to earn. He only let up once he realized he didn’t want to tire them out before their show.

As the time approached faster Lafayette found himself nervous. There were butterflies in his stomach and his hand trembled ever so slightly. He never got nervous before a show, and certainly not a show he knew as well as this one. He took a gulp of water, hoping to wash away the nervousness but it did no such thing. Was he nervous because he knew George would be there? Would he mess up in front of him? Oh if that happened, Lafayette would never show his face in public again. But no, no he knew the show. He could perform it in his sleep. Just because George would be watching didn’t make it any easier to mess up, although maybe it did. Just a little.

“Come on, Lafayette. It’s time to get set up backstage.” Adrienne called for him and Lafayette quickly hurried downstairs. His heart thudded loudly in his chest as his palms became more sweaty. He and Adrienne hopped on the stage, waiting behind the curtain. She took his hand to lead him along through the darkness.

“Gross! Laf, why is your hand so sweaty?” She whispered in French. “Do not tell me it is because of that man.” She hissed, “Alex warned me about this.”

“No, I will be fine. I promise. I am only nervous, but I can use this energy to help me perform, can’t I?” He chuckled anxiously.

“I thought you never got nervous before a show.”

“Well maybe it is because of him, but please, do not tell Alex.”

“I don’t think I need to tell him. You look deathly pale.”

“Hush! We must stop talking, the show is about to start.” He panicked, getting into position while Adrienne rushed to hers.

The piano started on the familiar open and gentle notes as the curtains were pulled open to the sound of squeaky chains. Lafayette took a deep breath and began, his nose pointed high and his palms facing his chest. The beginning was always the easiest part.

In a moment it felt like he was whisked to another scene, new set pieces rolled on stage behind him while he held Adrienne in an embrace, sweeping her low only to throw her out. She reached out to him, but Lafayette turned from her, the indecisive lover, and flew to their final confrontation in an instant. The final scene, the ball scene as they knew it. The piano played flourished and enticing chords of drama played as the spotlights on Lafayette turned purple and blue, his jewels dazzling brightly. The crowd gasped as Adrienne flung herself into her lover's arms once more as the lights dimmed. Lafayette panted and smiled at her as the lights returned and the audience was lit as well.

The audience stood and clapped and clapped as the dancers bowed, sweat pouring from their skin as they made the final performance of bowing and smiling while catching their breaths. Lafayette’s eyes searched in the crowd for George and his heart melted when he saw him grinning and clapping a bit more enthusiastically than the others.

Lafayette was eager to go down and greet him, but Alexander always had to say a few words after a show before he allowed them to greet their gracious audience. He told the team they had done well, suggested improvements for the next night and then he let everyone go downstairs to the lobby.

“Wait just a minute, Lafayette.” He stopped him before he ran downstairs to greet George. Lafayette frowned and turned around to face him. “That wasn’t your best performance tonight, Lafayette. Your heart wasn’t in it, I could tell, you were distracted. You looked like you were in la-la land the whole performance. What did I tell you?” He hissed. Lafayette sighed, that show had gone by much quicker than they usually did.

“I am very sorry. I promise I will do better tomorrow.”

“I can’t have him becoming a problem, Lafayette.” Alex glared, “there’s a reason no one here has a boyfriend or girlfriend. I thought you knew that. We move around too much and they distract us from what’s important.” He crossed his arms.

“No, I am sorry. I promise I won’t let him distract me again. It is only because I just met him, you have to understand.”

“If it happens again, we might need to have a different talk that I don’t want to have alright? You’re my friend, but I have to make sure people don’t lose interest in you, right? I understand the feeling.” He smiled, “but I’m serious.”

“Yes.” Lafayette nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“Now go and see him, I’m sure he’s waiting for you.” He grinned, ushering him out.

“Thank you!” Lafayette smiled before rushing out to see George. The moment he swung open the door he was bombarded with bright flashes, clamoring people, and a mess of indistinguishable English. He smiled charmingly at each one as they asked him to sign different things and take various pictures of him. Reporters tried to get stories out of him, but Lafayette had been trained well to give them nothing more than a smile and a ‘thanks for seeing the show!’ before brushing past them as gracefully as he could. Soon enough the crowd around him died down and Lafayette found George talking to one of the dancers.

“Lafayette! Your performance tonight was brilliant!” George smiled once Lafayette approached him. Lafayette’s stomach began turning as he blushed. Usually he was so used to the compliments but coming from George they suddenly felt like the first praises he had received in years.

“Thank you George.” Lafayette squeaked out as the dancer left.

“I was right about buying extra tickets, that was spectacular! I could watch it a thousand times and never become bored.”

“Try performing it that many times.” Lafayette chuckled, still nervous. Taking more than a glance at George, Lafayette saw he was wearing a simple button-down with a patterned blazer, different from the one he was wearing earlier. He chuckled to himself because that was often the style he saw on young college students, but George made it look quite dashing.

“Oh, but that final scene! Surely you never get tired of that! I mean, the colors and the lights, the sets, the costumes, it is better than any movie I’ve produced.” He added with a dry chuckle.

“Oh don’t be silly! Your movies are fantastic. But, you never told me. When will you be here again?”

“I know I have the final performance, as well as the next Wednesday and a Sunday matinee somewhere down the month.”

“So you will be here for a long time, too?”

“I will.” He smiled like he was trying to hide it from him.

“That is wonderful news! Ah, do you know if it is still raining?”

“It wasn’t when I arrived.”

“Perfect! Then I should like to take you to dinner, monsieur. Tonight, I will pay as thanks.” He grinned, rocking on his heels.

“Well dinner is much more expensive than your drink.”

“Yes but this is thanks for all your kindness, and I should like to enjoy your company a bit longer. It is not every day I meet someone like you.” He blushed.

“Then I would be delighted to go to dinner with you.” George agreed, lips curling upwards, “Is there a place you have in mind?”

“Yes! It is my favorite as well, you see.”

“Then I cannot wait. When can we leave?”

“Well I must gather my things from upstairs and say goodbye for the night but that should only be a second. Would you like to come with me?”

“No, surely I shouldn’t.”

“It is no problem, people invite others all the time. As long as no photographers follow you.” He giggled.

“Then I would love to go.”

“Merveilleux! Let’s go!” He grabbed George’s hand to lead him to his room upstairs, a wide grin on his face.

He pushed open the door to his room and pulled George inside.

“It is very nice in here.” He said, taking a look around.

“Yes, well this place is almost like my second home, might as well make it cozy.” He grinned, removing the various bobby pins from his hair. George began looking at his many trinkets, items, and photos from France while Lafayette took it upon himself to get out of his stuffy costume.

“Oh! I’m sorry, would you like me to leave?” George suddenly exclaimed, face bright red. Lafayette smirked.

“No, don’t worry, I have a suit on underneath.” He waved before pulling the shirt off his head, watching George’s eyes follow the motion until they settled on his chest. He smirked again before turning to the sink full of water and began splashing his face and wetting his hair to get the products out. Lafayette smiled when he saw George watching very closely from the mirror. If he thought he was getting out of here without a bit of tease, he was sadly mistaken.

He removed his trousers, to the embarrassment of George, and pulled on his dark dress pants and brightly colored sweater. Usually, he liked to put a button-up underneath, but it was still drying. When he finished, George was still staring at him, mouth slightly agape. Lafayette giggled and crossed over to him, he sweetly threw his arms around George’s neck and pulled him into a light kiss.

“That was for earlier.” He added with a wink before pulling away. “Shall we go now?”

“Yes,” George mumbled, looking shocked and frozen, “let’s.” Lafayette giggled and bounced out of the door, his bag in hand.

The cold night air swept over them as they waited outside for a free taxi, George grabbing the first one he saw. Lafayette swung his bag over his shoulder and climbed inside, George following him. He gave the driver their address and chatted with George as they drove. The bright lights of the city pooling in and highlighting George’s features in dazzling colors. Lafayette blushed as he talked, but held steady to the hold he knew he had on him now.

Lafayette’s loud and endearing laugh pierced through the diner as George smiled at him.

“That is the silliest thing I have ever heard!”

“I’m afraid it’s all true.” George nodded solemnly, holding back his own laughter.

“An actor really quit because he couldn’t get the flavor of Astro Pop he wanted?”

“Yes!” George laughed now, unable to stay stoic. He and Lafayette had been laughing all night. Sharing stories and memories, tragedies of the stage and screen alike. George couldn’t remember the last time he shared such a delightful dinner with someone.

George still couldn’t erase the graceful image of how Lafayette danced on the stage, how beautiful he looked in the dazzling costume, and out of it, his traitorous mind recalled. Yes, he wouldn’t be getting a good night's sleep for a long time he realized.

Lafayette ordered desserts for the both of them that George enjoyed almost as much as Lafayette’s company, but nothing could really compare to the way his eyes lit up when he talked of France or his friends. The way he frowned when he was thinking over his sentences or even when they came out broken, George never found poor grammar so endearing. He told him the story of how he ended up running through New York City with no umbrella or money, how he first started dancing. Apparently, he was a terrible dancer as a young boy. He said he couldn’t even stay on beat, but the failures only made him more determined to become a great dancer. And a great dancer he was, easily George’s favorite.

He listened intently when George told him his own stories of Virginia or various movies, telling him his favorites from when he was young and how he suddenly got mixed up in the whole industry and never quite found his way out. He left out the more uglier details, deciding to spare Lafayette because of his over endearment of the industry. He couldn’t bring himself to be the one to ruin the magic for him, but perhaps one day. It wasn’t as if George had ever done the things he witnessed, but not everything could be as sweet as the Astro Pop story.

Lafayette paid for the check without letting George see and suddenly George realized he didn’t want to say goodbye to Lafayette yet. He wished he could spend the rest of his week like this. Luckily, Lafayette solved that issue for him quite quickly.

“Would you like to come to my hotel tonight? I have drinks and there’s a television set. Perhaps we could drink and watch it?” He asked, fidgeting with his sweater like he didn’t know George’s answer.

“That sounds delightful.” George agreed, getting another taxi for them. Lafayette gave the man the address, the Plaza Hotel.

“I’ve never stayed.” George said as they drove down the road.

“Oh really? It is simply fantastic George! I can not wait for you to see!”

The lobby was large and immaculately filled with tasteful decorations and various plants and artworks. Lafayette waltzed in with ease and gracefully made his way to the elevator with George in tow, still taking in the sights around him.

“You know the portrait of Eloise recently vanished after a college dance?” Lafayette remarked as the elevator slowly climbed up the floors.

“Really? I didn’t know.”

“Oh yes! They even searched my room to see if I had stolen it! I wasn’t even at that party!” He laughed. Lafayette looked up at him and smiled as he reached over to hold his hand. George gripped it as they continued to wait for the elevator to reach its destination at the top.

Once they got off the elevator, Lafayette slipped behind another door to reveal another secret elevator that Lafayette stepped inside, signaling George inside with a giggle. He pressed a few numbers on the panel and they began their slow rise again.

“What kind of room do you have here?” George teased.

“One of the best.” Lafayette smirked at him. Soon the elevator came to a halt and opened up on a small hallway with a single door. Lafayette shuffled through his bag and pulled out his key and unlocked the door.

“Are you the only one up here?”

“Oh no, there are others around but this is my specific elevator to take me to my room.” He said, opening the door.

“I didn’t know they had accommodations like that.”

“Only for the best of us.” He said with a sly chuckle as George stepped inside.

“Lafayette, this is gorgeous.” George gasped looking around, mouth agape.

“Isn’t it?” He giggled, grabbing onto his hand to show him around. “Here we have the living room, this is the kitchen and the bathroom…” Windows were covering almost every inch of wall space and what looked like gold-gilded furniture were in all the rooms. There was a spacious kitchen with modern appliances and cabinets full of dishes. There was even a staircase inside that led to Lafayette’s room with a huge fluffy bed and another massive window.

“And this is my room.” He smiled, plopping down onto the bed. “You can close your mouth now.” He teased.

“Excuse me, Lafayette, but I thought I was used to immaculate things, but this is just too magnificent.” George shook his head while he made his way to the window. “And this view is incredible. How high are we?”

“I’m not sure. I know there are still a few floors above me, though.” He said from his place on the bed. “But come here,” he whined, “sit with me.”

George chuckled and met Lafayette on the bed, carefully sitting down next to him, afraid to ruin the bedspread. Lafayette’s hands cupped his cheeks as he brought him close for another kiss. George realized they now had all the time in the world as he wrapped his arm around his waist to pull him closer. Lafayette parted his lips in a sweet invitation that George graciously accepted, gently kissing him over and over until he could taste their dessert while his other hand got lost in his hair. Lafayette gently pulled away but didn’t remove himself from George any further.

“I’ve been dying to do that all night.” He sighed, staring into his eyes. “Would you like that drink I promised you?” He smiled, head tilting to the side.

“I would love that.” George copied his smile and pressed a kiss to his nose. Lafayette laughed and pushed away and off the bed. He heard him race down the stairs as he quickly followed him down. George couldn’t wait to spend more time with Lafayette.

Ben was washing a few mugs in his sink when he heard the bell on his door ring.

“I’ll be right with you!” He called out like always when he was hidden from their view. Turning the corner to head to his counter he saw George and Lafayette looking to be deeply engaged in their conversation, hands brushing against the other’s like they were just dying to hold it. Ben smiled to himself before clearing his throat and snapping the pair out of their trance.

They told him what they wanted, which was the same as it always was, and Ben quickly got to work. The two were in here at least every other day and they always sat in that same booth in the back, talking for hours. He used to almost be annoyed seeing a couple that mushy around each other but it soon became quite endearing. When they first frequented his shop on their many dates, they would always try to pay for the other’s drink until one day Ben got so fed up with the trouble they were causing him that he forced them to just pay for their own drinks and stop being so damn sweet. It wasn’t like they didn’t have the money.

But they would come all the time now, looking more romantic and in love than before. It was nice to see George so happy with someone, Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever seen him so happy. He now tipped him quite generously too which was an added perk to their relationship. Maybe he would get Nate that watch for Christmas after all.

Today seemed to be no different than any other, they exchanged shy looks and brief touches and laughs, lots of laughs. It was strange to hear George laugh and smile so much, but Lafayette could pull them out with ease. Ben didn’t know Lafayette well, but he knew a man in love when he saw one. He had grown accustomed to the look of a slight blush on the man’s face at any given moment when he was with George. George told Ben he was an incredibly talented dancer, and quite smart too. Ben suspected he was George’s sole friend which meant he got to hear all the gushing he did over Lafayette, which was all the days Lafayette wasn’t with George.

Sure, it got annoying at times, but Ben was happy for them. He pulled out his notebook and started writing the money he’d earned so far from that day seeing as the kitchen was clean. There was no one else inside except for those two, already done with their drinks. Ben considered interrupting them to take their mugs, but his blood suddenly went cold when he heard Lafayette say,

“George, I think...we should stop seeing each other.” Uh-oh, Ben thought as he scampered back to the kitchen.

“What?” George gasped, hands gripping the mug tight. Had he done something to upset him?

“George it is not because, well, you see, I like you very much but I am at the point where I have to make a choice and I can’t-” George saw Lafayette’s eyes become red as they shimmered with tears. His heart broke at the sight and he wished to wipe the tears away. Lafayette sniffled and continued, “Please, I like you. So, so much but yesterday Alexander showed me-” the bell on the front door rang as a woman stepped inside, coat wet with rain.

George threw a quick glance out the window, the city already soaked in rain. It wasn’t supposed to rain that day, he thought. Lafayette wiped his tears away when he saw the woman. George leaned in and said,

“Would you like to keep talking at your place?” Lafayette, still sniffling, nodded his head and stood to hand his mug to Ben.

George tried not to cry and panic himself, he just had to listen to what Lafayette was going to say, he had to. Neither one was carrying an umbrella so George asked for Lafayette to wait inside while he tried not to get too soaked looking for a cab. When he finally caught one, he opened the door to see Lafayette and Ben talking, Ben wearing a sympathetic frown. He waved at George as Lafayette rushed into the car. He gave George a look of pity before he turned away to get in behind Lafayette. He told the driver the address, but this time as they rode through the rain, they didn’t say a word.

Lafayette stared out his window, eyes still red and puffy and George looked out Lafayette’s window as well to catch a glimpse of his reflection. He watched as Lafayette continued to cry, his tears blending in with the wet car window and he was helpless to do nothing but watch.

Had he not told Lafayette he loved him yet? The thought suddenly raced through his mind as he tried to recall that surely he must have told him. But no, there was nothing. Maybe George was fooling himself into thinking this was something significant. But now Lafayette wanted out, it shouldn’t surprise him. He had too much life to waste away on someone like George, he had been selfish throughout this whole relationship, he was sure of it. Of course Lafayette wanted to leave, it was what he deserved.

The car halted in front of the immaculate hotel and George quickly climbed out his door, holding it open out of habit, but Lafayette chose to step out of his own. He paid the driver and ran inside following Lafayette. He was waiting in the lobby and still didn’t say anything as they stood in the elevator, not until they got into his room did Lafayette finally speak up. He sat down on the couch in the living room and George hesitantly sat beside him. His voice was raspy and shaken with tears and emotions when he spoke up.

“George, we got a horrible review from a renowned ballet critic. His reviews close shows or take them to greatness, and...he hated ours.” He whispered, eyes fixated on the floor. “He saw the show the first night you were there.” He mumbled. George wanted to reach out to him, but he didn’t know if that would be allowed at this moment. Lafayette buried his face between his knees and silently wept. George cleared his throat and tried to speak up and fight his own tears away.

“Lafayette, I am so sorry that happened.” Was all he could weakly mutter, unsure of what he could say. Lafayette let out a loud sob and suddenly leapt at George, burying his face in his chest and wrapped his arms around him.

“George, it is not only my career at stake, but- but” He gasped out, sobs becoming more terrible. George tried his best to soothe him and pet his back. “But everyone a part of this! George I don’t want to leave you.” He whispered, quieting down. “But I think- I think that I-” He couldn’t finish his sentence as he began trembling with sobs and cried again, gripping George’s shirt tight in his fists. George shushed him gently and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Lafayette,” He whispered, crying his own silent tears, “I think we should stop seeing each other.” Lafayette cried out and George now sobbed like Lafayette, pulling him even closer and burying his face in Lafayette’s hair.

It was all he could do. Lafayette had a choice to make, and he made it, and George had to support him. He had to let him go because it was what Lafayette wanted. He wished he could tell him that he loved him and loved every second they spent together but he knew that would make Lafayette’s goodbye so much more difficult. So they opted for weeping in each other’s arms, unsure when they would finally break apart and never wishing to. How could George just leave? How could he find the strength to walk out of that door and never look back? Never see him again. What sort of inhuman strength would that require? It had felt like they had been together for so long, like they had known each other their whole lives. Walking out on someone like Lafayette was the hardest thing he would ever do. But it was for the best. Lafayette had a whole, full life in his future, even if his show closed down he knew it would not be the end of Lafayette’s spirit. But George was old, he would keep him tied down, keep him from doing the dozens of great things that were surely in his future. Yes, this was the way it had to be. This was always how it should have been. George was a fool for thinking this story could turn out any differently.

He walked out. 

He didn’t feel the rain that seeped through his clothes, didn’t see the beautiful colors he used to see, he couldn’t find a single thing beautiful. The cars rushed past and people scurried by, lost in their own worlds, oblivious to the heartbroken man unsure of where he was even walking. Where was there to go? He tried not to picture Lafayette’s beautiful smile, hear his laugh, see him gracefully dancing upon a stage because it was all over now. Just as soon as it began, it was over, and George didn’t know where he would go from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 will be posted next Sunday!  
> my [tumblr](https://jacepens.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	2. Études, Book 2: No. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his final emotional performance in New York City Lafayette realizes that he may have made a terrible mistake as he finally understands his show's message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song! [(spotify - no 11)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ODUqdvW5HgvgfyIOoky0c) [(youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clalYlNox50)

Lafayette took a deep breath as he finished buttoning up his costume. The last performance in New York City was tonight. He solemnly thought of George and wondered if he would come, but Lafayette knew he wouldn’t be able to bare it if he saw him. Tears stinged his eyes that he wiped away quickly. Tonight was about the show and where he would be going next. Where were they going next? Lafayette struggled to remember their long list of cities in America they were to perform at. Was it Atlanta? Or no, Chicago. He would find out soon enough anyway.

He straightened his back and placed his hand on the bar. He took a deep breath and began his stretches, starting with the simple ones, tracing circles in the ground, stooping low to the ground with his feet in first position. The basic ones he’d known since he was young. He exhaled and brought his leg up to raise it above his head. The usual routine, but he tried to stay focused on his body, his movement, and not get distracted. Don’t look at the spot where he first kissed him, don’t remember the way his laugh sounded in the room, don’t gaze at the photos of him hiding behind the picture frame. He heard his back sharply crack as he bent backwards, arms flowing through the air.

He looked at the clock, he should get going, the show would be starting soon. He took a sip of water and rushed downstairs, not allowing himself to linger in that room full of memories any longer.

“Laf,” Adrienne stopped him before he walked on stage, “are you feeling alright? You’ve been really sad recently and I, well, I’m getting worried about you. Is everything alright?”

“Adrienne, we are about to get on stage.” Lafayette groaned in French.

“I know but I didn’t want to bother you while you stretched. Just listen, I think I understand what happened, and Alex was wrong, ok? I know he’s your friend and he wants what's best, but you deserve to find happiness.” Adrienne smiled sweetly. Lafayette frowned and shook his head.

“It is not just about me Adrienne.” He left her and took his place on stage, closing his eyes, determined not to lose his mind to memories and dreaming.

The soft piano opening began and Lafayette smiled. This was what he loved. He descended the stairs with grace, making each step, each flourish meaningful as he looked longingly at the sky. He leapt in the air off the stairs and felt satisfaction when he heard the crowd gasp when he landed with a spin. The warm lights reflected off his shiny outfit as they swung over towards Adrienne. Lafayette took a moment’s respite in the darkness. Out of character he wondered of George. Wondered if he was sitting somewhere in that audience, enraptured by the show he’d seen so many times now.

Until suddenly Adrienne was there and the lights were on him once more. They smiled and danced around each other, meeting for the first time, their patterns matching as they realized they were meant to be. Lafayette remembered when he bumped into George, the kind and handsome stranger who bought him a hot chocolate and made his horrible day the best one he’d ever had.

Lafayette wrapped his arms around Adrienne as they continued to understand and know the other so perfectly. Soon there were tears in Lafayette’s eyes. He never understood the show before, thought it silly how Adrienne, a stranger, made such an impact on him, but George-. Suddenly he was in the next scene, happy as could be and he continued to think of George. The piano played impactful chords, flew through notes as his character realized he found his love. And Lafayette had _too_ why on Earth had he-.

Time moved quicker as he understood his performance with new clarity, his eyes shiny with tears and movements full of emotion like he’d never shown before. Then came his hesitation. He and Adrienne danced like they always did, the dance they knew by heart, so content to dance it with each other until he flung her away. The piano turned more dramatic, rocking back and forth on minor chords as he left Adrienne. Lafayette wept when she ran back to him. He was crying, the tears spilling as he ran away from Adrienne. Just like he had with George. He ran off stage, this was Adrienne’s scene now. The scene where she encountered dangerous creatures on her chase over the mountain to get back to him.

Lafayette fell to the ground once backstage and continued weeping. Was George off fighting somewhere? Fighting to get back to him because he understood how special they were. It was so dark so luckily no one found him weeping, but the scene was over far too quickly. Lafayette had to go back, dance in a lavish ball with the gods without a care for Adrienne. Was that what Lafayette was doing since he left? Ignoring George to play part in what he thought was more important? What on Earth could be more important than _him_? Was that the reason they performed their show? The reason it sold out nightly no matter where they went? Because the audience knew it. They knew that love mattered more than any other thing, any obstacle, because love this pure was impossible to find for so many.

Lafayette rushed on stage, the bright gold and green lights shined so hotly on his skin. Lafayette played his part until the realization hit him, lighting him up blue and purple. He could never love another, Adrienne was his one love. The lights were suddenly so blinding and contrasted so harshly with the dark audience. Lafayette stared out into the dark, faceless crowd as the lights blared. Everything out there was so dark, but up here it was far too bright. Lafayette had his own realization as well as he stared into that dark abyss. The tears fell from his eyes and Adrienne was soon back in his arms and Lafayette wept, getting tears on Adrienne as he bent her low, reunited and in love. 

What had he done? Why had he left George? None of this was important! The fame, the money, the lights, Alex could have it if he wanted it so badly. The ache Lafayette felt in his chest couldn’t be filled with cash, with dozens of people. There was only person to make everything he did worthwhile, only one person to bring a smile to his face on the darkest of days. The piano swelled to it’s dramatic conclusion as the bright lights dimmed.

Lafayette cried and cried, how could he stay? How could he bow and smile and dance again if George was not there? Not in the audience, not sneaking into his room when he didn’t have a ticket. Not there to drink warm drinks with, not there to talk to, not there to kiss and snuggle up against. Lafayette had nothing, it all was nothing if there was no George. As the bows concluded, Lafayette knew what he had to do. He had to follow in the footsteps of the performance, by leaving it.

“Lafayette! That was such an incredible performance! You looked so alive, the tears felt so real! Where have you been hiding those?” Alex smiled brightly, running up to him backstage. Lafayette wiped the remaining tears from his face.

“They were real, Alex.” Lafayette hissed.

“Oh, rough night?” He tried to joke, awkwardly punching his shoulder.

“Alex, I quit.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I am quitting this show, you, all of it. I’m not continuing the tour. I will not dance anymore if it is not with him.” He clenched his jaw and looked him square in the eye, determination fueling his fire.

“Hold on, Laf, I think you just need to calm down and get some sleep. You can’t-” He huffed, anger seeping through, “you can’t quit.” He hissed quietly.

“I can, and I am. We are not going anywhere else, Alex. I am through. I am living for myself.” He seethed before he whirled away.

“Oh come on, you’ll be able to retire naturally in a few years anyhow, what’s the rush?” He called out, chasing him down as he ran to his room.

“I am not leaving him, Alex!” He roared loud enough that the other dancers heard. The space went deathly quiet. “I love him, Alex, I cannot-”

“Shush!” He suddenly interrupted him, pulling him down the hallway. “Do you want to jeopardize your life?” He looked at him with panic.

“I suppose that is already what I am doing.” He shrugged, walking into his room with Alex following.

“No, Lafayette, listen. We talked about this. When you retire, you’ll be able to live life however you’d like, with George, on a beach, I don’t care, but you are not quitting in the middle of a tour. Think of everyone who will lose their jobs.”

“I am tired of living my life for other people!” He screamed, slamming his fist down on his dresser. “I am staying here or going to California. Whichever one means I get to be with him!”

“There is no being with him, Lafayette! Don’t you know?” Alex spat, drawing close to Lafayette.

“I do not care! I would happily die or rot away in prison as long as I knew I did what I was meant to do! I am quitting and that is final!”

“Laf please.” Alex begged as Lafayette began shoving everything he could into his bag. His photos, his papers, his little novelties from France, everything that could fit in his bag. The back of a receipt that had the words scribbled _you’re cute_ onto the back. He smiled as he looked at the little paper.

“Alex, I realized that this doesn’t mean anything to me if I cannot share it with him. I- Everything I do is pointless unless he is with me.” He looked up to meet Alex’s stare. He wondered if he had ever been in love. “It is how I feel, it is inescapable and I can’t leave him. I just can’t. Please don’t stop me.” He sighed, throwing his bag over his shoulder and rushing out of the room.

He snuck out the back door to avoid reporters and fans, Alex would tell them the news, Lafayette was finished with that life. Perhaps he could make movies with George, or maybe he would still dance, but not like this. Never like this again. He ran into the first taxi he saw and gave the man the address for George’s home.

He visited it a few times after he begged George to let him see. They usually always went to the Plaza because it was close, but Lafayette had wanted to see his home. It was certainly no Plaza room, but he remembered finding it charming and distinctly George. He smiled at the fond memory as the car sped through the bright city, the lights becoming scarcer and scarcer. 

He hoped George would be home, although in truth he would simply wait outside until he returned. It would be nothing compared to a lifetime with him.

The car stopped outside the house and Lafayette paid the driver, collected his things and stood outside listening to the car speed off. He gulped. The light was on, George was inside. A cruel question bubbled inside that said, what if he didn’t want you? Lafayette didn’t know how he would react if George kicked him out, scorned him, told him he never felt the way he did. What if Lafayette had simply made it all up? He took a deep breath, trying to motivate himself. It seemed George had a special talent at rocking his nerves.

He walked up the stairs, his footfalls so heavy and loud in the still night air that Lafayette was acutely aware of them. He took another deep breath, raised his fist, and knocked. The sound he heard from inside suddenly stopped and Lafayette held his breath when he heard shuffling footsteps heading his way. Did he even know what he was going to say? He had such a long ride over here and he didn’t know what he would say? Sorry for leaving you, but I’m back now because turns out I’m madly in love with you?

The door swung open and Lafayette heard George gasp, saw his mouth stay open like it always did when he was shocked. At seeing him Lafayette felt soothed and warm, his frayed nerves comforted just by seeing him. He took a deep breath.

“George, I love you.”

“Sorry, what?” George whispered, hand still frozen to the doorknob.

“I, Lafayette, am madly in love with you, and I was stupid to ever leave you.”

“But what, I don’t- sorry- would you come inside?” George shuffled his feet, the first movement proving he was alive, but he stared at his feet and didn’t meet Lafayette’s intense gaze. Lafayette’s heart sank. Did he not feel the same? Would he not say it back? He should’ve known this would happen, staking his whole life on one person was too risky.

He stepped inside and clenched his grip on his bag, willing himself not to cry. He heard the door click close behind him then suddenly hands were on his hips pushing against the wall and lips were crashing into his own. Lafayette yelped in shock then melted against the insistent lips. His bag slipped from his hand as he sighed and threw his arms around George’s neck, never wanting to ever leave him again.

George broke away, breathless and grinning.

“I love you too.” He whispered against Lafayette’s mouth. He then chuckled, pressing his forehead to Lafayette’s in relief. He stepped away from him and stared at the floor again, cheeks pink.

“I apologize, I was simply shocked.” He smiled, hand going to cover his face in embarrassment.

“That does not matter does it? Now that we are together that’s all I care for.” He grinned, heart soaring. He wished to dance about the room.

“Won’t you come and talk?” He asked, gesturing to his living room. Lafayette nodded and skipped happily to the couch. George sat beside him and Lafayette immediately scooted closer to snuggle into his side. George chuckled and threw his arm around Lafayette as if nothing had changed.

“I suppose I owe you an explanation.” Lafayette said, content in every way.

“I would appreciate one.” George rumbled and Lafayette sighed. How did he think anything in his life could fill these moments?

“I quit.” He grinned.

“What?” George gasped. Lafayette nodded and continued.

“I realized I didn’t want anything if I couldn’t share it with you. I understood that everything was unbearably empty and yet so full of your presence that I couldn’t live without you. I am restarting my life in a way. I don’t care what it will cost me. I am staying by your side.” He smiled, unable to hide his happiness. The thought of starting over oddly refreshing.

“Wait, Lafayette, you quit? Will the show continue?”

“Not unless they replace me.” He shrugged.

“But Lafayette your career, your friends, your entire life.” He rasped, “tell me you did not give it all up for me?” He felt George go rigid, his hand stopping it’s soothing touches. Had he stopped breathing?

“George is everything all right?” Lafayette frowned, raising his head to see his eyes. He looked frightened and pale as he looked down at him.

“Lafayette-!” He gasped, choking and coughing while flinging him out of his arms. Lafayette yelped and crashed against the side of the couch as George continued his coughing and wheezing.

“George!” Lafayette shouted, scrambling towards him only to be pushed away in a sudden fling of anger as his coughing ceased.

“No, no.” He wheezed, “Lafayette are you insane?” He roared. Lafayette sat frozen against the couch as George seethed with anger. Why was he so upset and angry? Lafayette felt his heart pound faster as he began to panic. “Please, Lafayette, you cannot waste your life away with me. I won’t let you!” He pleaded, his eyes red with tears.

“But you’re all I want!” Lafayette yelled, confusion and fear taking hold, panicked eyes darting about the room.

“You are so young and you have so much life ahead of you, an infinite future that doesn’t include me. I am decaying, Lafayette don’t you get it? You are everything I am not, you are perfect in every thing you do. Please don’t throw everything you have built away!” He begged, tone wavering between a shout and beg. Lafayette felt a scream rip out of his throat. He screamed in his face and at his words, screamed to block them out, to stop him from speaking. He clasped his hands around his ears to stop it. How could he say that? How could he think that?

“It is my life to throw away! I love you! George, I love you! Stop saying those horrible things!” He cried, “I have left everything for you!” He yelled.

“That is not what I want! Lafayette, if you will not see it yourself then you must leave, and see it.”

“What are you saying? I can’t leave you! George, don’t make me leave!” He cried out, tears pouring from his eyes in a sudden stream.

“Leave! Get out of here! Leave me and never come back, do you understand?” He yelled, pointing a shaking hand at the door, the other gripped tight on the couch.

“Why?” Lafayette wailed, choking sobs leaving him incapable of breathing. He panted hard, so intensely the tips of his fingers tingled as his mind went fuzzy and blank. And he cried and cried.

“You will not waste away. You will live and have a shining purpose that is not wasted chasing a life you can’t have.” George pleaded.

“But George-!” Lafayette tried, the only words he could feel his way around, the only ones he could get in before he was cut off.

“I don’t ever want to see you again! If you can’t understand it then you are to never speak to me again. Do not quit your life! Lafayette, just go!” He stomped, jumping off the couch, eyebrows creased as he balanced himself. “Please.” He whispered, taking heaving breaths.

Lafayette sat frozen on the couch, trying to breath, why couldn’t he breath? God was he going to die on George’s couch? Had he stopped crying yet? Was it over? He couldn’t make out anything, everything a blur of color and black. His chest felt tight, almost to the point of pain as he looked at the mess that was George in his eyes.

“I can’t-“ he gasped, “move.” He had not, in fact, stopped crying as he sobbed harder and harder into his arms. “George!”

“Now!” He hissed, trembling with anger. Lafayette felt his way around the couch, wiped the tears from his face, stumbled down the hallway, his mind and body numb. He stopped at the door and turned, but George wasn’t there. Where was he going? What was happening? Why was he so upset? Lafayette’s hand found the door handle and his abandoned bag as he threw himself into the sobering cold air.

He still struggled to understand anything around him, the steps were blurry and the sky was so dark as he stumbled down them. He yelped as he tripped down, falling on the palms of his hands. He cried, face down in front of George’s house. He gripped his knees and continued to cry. The closest cab would be so far away, but why would he want to go to the Plaza? It was still so full of dozens of memories that now felt increasingly grey and bleak, pointless. His hands began feeling once more as he pushed himself up. His knees almost gave out beneath him, but he held strong. The first droplets of rainfall fell on his face, mixing with his tears. 

He didn’t want to go anywhere. Everything felt clouded by pain and misery, even the city felt unwelcoming as he and George had made a memory on practically every avenue. He looked back to see the lights in George’s house were turned off. He began crying harder, he weakly called out his name but found himself incapable of speech the harder he cried remembering this was it. No more George. He had just come to the conclusion his life was nothing if he did not have him, so what was he expected to do now? He walked along the sidewalk in any direction he felt compelled to travel to. He was lucky enough to stumble across an empty taxi that took him back to his hotel. But why? _Why?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 will be up next Sunday!  
> my [tumblr](https://jacepens.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	3. Études, Book 2: No. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George feels regret like he's never known when he gets a call from a familiar voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning: this is where the suicide and blood/gore tags are needed  
> this chapter's song! [(spotify - no 17)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ODUqdvW5HgvgfyIOoky0c) [(youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zE7Sb7XA6A)

George had never known such a sinking regret until after that night with Lafayette. It all came back to him in waves, the things he said, the anger he felt, it all came back in a rush to ruin his day. He hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in days. He did what was right. So why did he feel so horrible? Even worse than when Lafayette first left him? But just the thought of Lafayette rotting away with nothing to live for, thinking that George was worth wasting away with. Nothing could have been more wrong or upsetting. Lafayette had too much potential to stay tied to someone like him. He didn’t know what Lafayette expected from him, how on earth did he think he would find happiness with him?

George loved him. There was no doubt about that. But he knew Lafayette would regret his decision. There was nothing George could possibly have to offer that would keep someone like Lafayette by his side. He had a future and a career, and everything he could ever want and need. George couldn’t be one of those things.

So why couldn’t he sleep? Why couldn’t he find purpose or joy in any of the things he did? When was the last time he went to Ben’s coffee shop? When was the last time he _showered?_ He sighed and pulled himself out of bed. He would get over it soon, these feelings would pass when Lafayette was long gone in some foreign country. Tears filled his eyes at the thought of never hearing that French voice again, or worse, seeing him everywhere in billboards, newspapers, but never by his side. He wiped at his eyes and tried to banish the thoughts, determined to not cry anymore.

The shower seemed cold no matter how much he turned the handle and he wondered if something was wrong with his heater. He’d probably have to call someone to fix it later, but who knew when that would be. He toweled off and found something to eat in the kitchen. He found the old box of Swiss N’ Ham Flings half-eaten by Lafayette who said they were the best snack food on the planet. George couldn’t disagree more, but he always kept a box around for him. He grabbed the box and threw it in the trash. 

Later that night he got a call.

“George?” Ben’s fuzzy voice called out. “Where have you been?” George could hear the smile on his face.

“Home.” He remarked curtly. Since when did Ben call him?

“Alright, alright. Can I ask why?”

“Why?” Ben hesitated before responding this time.

“George I know something’s wrong. When you’re in the city you never stay inside like this.” He sighed, carefree nature gone.

“And what of it?” He hissed, “When did this become your business?”

“George!” Ben laughed, “you’re my best customer! I’m suffering without you here!” George scoffed and didn’t say anything else. He heard crackling on the other end of the line. There was a moment of silence before Ben’s distorted voice spoke up. “Lafayette came by here the other day.” George fell silent until it was too much to bear as Ben was not continuing.

“And?” He demanded. He heard Ben exhale.

“George, why did you kick him out? You’re both miserable. Why are you doing this?”

“Ben, he was giving up everything for me!”

“That’s called dedication and love you asshole.” Ben snapped. George froze. Well he had never been called that by Ben before. He heard him huff in anger. “You know what, maybe he does deserve better than you.” Then he hung up. George heard the click of the line and the monotone beep before throwing the handset against the wall. What the hell did Ben know? He grabbed it off the floor and slammed it onto the phone, not caring if he broke it.

The next day, he wanted to apologize to Lafayette. It was consuming him alive, the guilt, his conversation with Ben ringing over and over in his mind. The thought of Lafayette being miserable was unbearable. But what if he didn’t mean it? Would he be apologizing because of Ben or because of Lafayette? He almost cried at the thought of Lafayette again, his feelings only amplified as he imagined him alone in his hotel room. The thought of Lafayette being miserable was horrible enough to see, but being the cause of the wonderful man’s pain? It was that thought that pervaded amongst all the others. George never wanted Lafayette to be upset, but he did just throw him out of his house. What if he thought that George didn’t love him? But he told him he did! He did what he had to for Lafayette and his future. 

If he apologized, what would he want? Lafayette in his arms forever? _Yes._ Dammit it was horrible, but it was true. The prospect of living the rest of his life with Lafayette was a most wonderful thought that brought him so much joy. But what of Lafayette? He still couldn’t help but think of how much he would come to resent him, be disgusted by him, regret leaving the stage for a dirty old man. Lafayette would be giving up everything for him and that was the part that hurt the most. But he would surely have no problem building up his own reputation in Hollywood on his own. If he decided to leave, George knew Lafayette was competent enough to do wonderful on his own. But the thought of having him only to lose him again was equally horrible in his mind.

Yes, it was selfish. But he wanted Lafayette far more than he should. Would it hurt to talk to him? Somehow he felt it could. But perhaps if he could explain himself better, not clouded by anger, it would make him feel better, it would make Lafayette feel better. Maybe it would make the weight and burden he carried go away, if he could talk to him, see him one last time. 

He made up his mind and did not allow himself the time to think of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be running off to find Lafayette. He hoped he was still staying at the Plaza or else he was doomed. He changed into something more presentable and dialed up the cab company, thumbing over the crack he left in the handset. Soon he was sitting in the back of a taxi, heart beating fast in his chest. He would just explain himself to Lafayette. Explain why it had to be this way. There were at least a dozen reasons, so why couldn’t he suddenly think of any? 

He stopped at Ben’s place first, ordering his usual, informing Ben on his plan. He frowned when he explained he was just going to clarify himself to Lafayette, not stay with him. Ben made no argument and handed him his drink, uncharacteristically quiet. He headed out the door, bell jingling behind him as he soaked in the bright sunlight streaming from the sky. It was a warm and pleasant day, the kind that made you never want to go back inside. His heart still thudded in nervousness so he decided to burn the nervous energy by walking to the Plaza. It was a drive he had memorized so walking it wasn’t all that difficult. It added extra time until he saw Lafayette but it also gave him extra time to think over his plan. He sipped on his coffee, eyes flitting around at the pigeons and people until he saw the Plaza in the distance. The spires on the sides of the graceful building lead his eyes upward like always. He took a moment to enjoy the architecture as he came closer and closer to the building. Then suddenly his heart dropped. 

There was someone on the roof, dangerously close to the edge. 

Before George had time to think he was sprinting forward in a mad dash, throwing his coffee to the ground as he watched the graceful figure take it’s final step and tumble to the ground.

“ _LAFAYETTE!”_ George cried out, reaching forward with mad panic. He hit the ground with a sickening thud, just beyond his feet. 

Time felt frozen.

He watched as shocked people surrounded, cameras flashed, people shouted and commotion grew. All George could watch was the cold lifeless face, marred by blood, but those eyes were unmistakable. Staring back at him as he collapsed to the ground while a scream ripped from the deepest part of his throat. Sobs choked their way out of his mouth, his eyes were flooded and blurry and soon everything turned to grey.

He saw flashes of the beautiful man as he danced upon the stage, smiling at him as if he knew where George was watching in an enraptured audience. He saw him reach for his hand in an empty elevator or hallway, always smiling at him after he did. He saw his expressive eyes full of life and beauty as he pulled him into a kiss and collapsed against a bed. 

Sirens pulled him out of his blissful memories. He was faced with the cold reality of Lafayette dead before him. His blood had soaked through his clothes, his shirt had lifted to reveal the split in his body that revealed a piece of his insides, along with the rest of his mangled limbs. 

How had this happened? _How could he have let this happen?_ People examined a small piece of paper and George picked out the words ‘suicide note’ being tossed around. Suddenly his stomach lurched and he began crying once more.

He fumbled through the crowd and grasped the paper with his hands, aggressively wiping at his eyes to read it.

_There is no one I will love more than you. If I can’t have you here I will wait, patient as ever._

He collapsed to the ground once more. There was no use in standing. Hands pulled him off the ground but he felt nothing, couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t hear anything. The words that Lafayette had written were all he could see, all he could hear being read in his lovely voice. How would that voice never speak again? How would he never come to life again? Never dance upon a stage again? He was right there! Why wasn’t he moving, why wasn’t he _moving?_

In a moment of panic, he rushed to Lafayette’s side, collapsing to his knees again.

“ _Lafayette!”_ He cried out, “ _what’s wrong? What’s wrong?”_ He demanded before someone was yanking him away. He struggled and fought, screaming Lafayette’s name, begging him to come back, begging him to stop this foolish game. 

Where were they taking him? He screamed again, watching as he was lifted off the ground, blood being scraped and washed off the ground, trying to put the broken pieces of Lafayette’s limbs back together. A familiar voice was speaking to him. Why was that voice so familiar? He watched as Lafayette sped off down the street. He lost his strength and the familiar voice held him steady. “ _Lafayette…”_ he whispered. 

“George, George, come on.” That voice insisted. But no, no! He had to be with Lafayette!

“Let go of me!” He roared, throwing the voice aside. His feet ran and ran, it felt like he ran for miles, his lungs constricting, before he lost his strength again and fell, completely overwhelmed. A voice told him he’s gone. But how could he be gone? 

“Where did he go?” He felt himself whisper on the concrete, drained of life, motionless.

“Somewhere he can find happiness.” That familiar voice said from above. 

This wasn’t his home. This wasn’t his blanket, or his mug that he held onto so tightly. It all felt a little familiar but he couldn’t figure out where he had seen this place before. Where was he? Was that someone next to him? Ben. George stared at him as Ben watched the television.

“Oh, hey George.” Ben meekly smiled when he noticed his staring. “How are you feeling?”

“Cold.” Ben frowned at him.

“Ok, let me get you another blanket. Did you drink any of that tea I made for you?” George looked into his mug.

“No.”

“Do you want more?” He asked, coming over with his arms full of blankets.

“No.”

“Ok.” He nodded, throwing the blankets over George. He made an attempt to arrange them, wrap them over his shoulders while George sat still. “Does that feel good?”

“Yes.” He said, feeling the warmth build under the blankets. He stared at the tv blankly, watching as the pictures flashed, as people laughed and danced. Tears ran down his face as he watched the silly people dance. Ben wiped his face with a tissue, then quickly ran over to change the station. Then he was back at his side, throwing his arm around George and his blankets. He gently pried the cold mug from his hands to set it on the coffee table. George gripped the blankets closer around him. Lafayette was always cold.

Suddenly he began weeping as he saw the images of Lafayette dead on the concrete. His blood ribboning out and pooling down the sidewalk. The way his cold eyes stared at him, how his limbs were contorted into grotesque shapes. The gruesome wound in his stomach. 

“Hey, hey, shhhh.” Ben whispered gently, wiping his tears and rocking him back and forth. “It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok.” How could it ever be ok? How would he ever be ok again? With Lafayette out of his life he was nothing. George accepted the closeness with Ben, pulling him tight to him, weeping into his clothes. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” George whispered. He heard Ben let out a sob as he sniffled. 

“Don’t be.” Ben cried. George trembled.

“I’m so so sorry, Lafayette. I never wanted this. _”_

“I know.”

“I love you.”

_I love you too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'( I'm so sorry  
> come yell at me on [tumblr!](https://jacepens.tumblr.com/)  
> I also want to add that this fic is not an attempt to glorify suicide, I know what it's called but it's not the tragedy that's beautiful, it's the life that was.  
> If you're feeling suicidal, please reach out to someone you trust or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255.


	4. Études, Book 1: No. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of this tale and new beginnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s song! [(spotify-no 5)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ODUqdvW5HgvgfyIOoky0c)  
> [(youtube)](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FPk3a8FvCWI)

It had been a months since Lafayette had passed. 

His funeral was held in France.

George moved back to California shortly after his death.

For a long time, he sunk himself heavily into his work, pretending he never found love, pretending nothing happened in New York. But every damn newspaper had story after story, speculation after speculation about why the beautiful star ended his life so soon. So he avoided newspapers altogether, too afraid he might see those pictures again. The ones that reminded him of all he lost. 

His coworkers would say he was never the same after returning from New York, although they were never sure what happened. And George liked to keep it that way. Unfortunately, his much more frequent outbursts of anger caused many of them to quit working for him altogether. It damaged his reputation and newspapers started their own speculations about why George was acting like he was. He now had a disdain for reporters. 

Overtime, things naturally righted themselves, crooked as it may have been, it was better. All things considered. 

George realized with terrible clarity one day that he was not a good person anymore. He used to be, but not anymore. He never even once told Ben thank you for all the help he provided him. So one day he sent over some flowers and cash, hoping that could mend the damage he caused. He never heard back. Suddenly he became a bit of a philanthropist, donating money to people in need, worthy causes, but he still felt empty so he let it be.

It was on one of his worst days he heard his phone ring. He hadn’t gotten out of bed all day, he wouldn’t have answered the phone, only the caller was annoyingly persistent in their pursuit of trying to reach him. He cursed and grumbling, rose out of bed. He would be sure to make quick work of whoever was bothering him.

“Washington speaking.” He said shortly after he picked up the buzzing phone.

“George!” The voice called out, unfamiliar to him. “I’ve been trying to reach you for a while because...there’s some things I need to talk about with you. But first, let me introduce myself, my name is Alexander Hamilton and I-”

“I know who you are.” He hissed. He could practically hear Alexander stutter through the phone.

“Right. Well, I suppose you know why I’m calling.”

“Get on with it. What do you want?” He heard heavy breathing through the line, then sniffling and muffled sobbing, he felt his heart ache. Alex missed him too.

“I am- George I am so sorry.” He rushed out through his tears, taking stuttering breaths.

“Alex, we can’t blame ourselves.” George shook his head. It was the first thing Ben forced him to understand before he left. It was the only thing he had left to cling to.

“Just let me apologize!” He snapped, “I  _ made  _ him choose, George and I-”

“And I told him no!” He roared, “He made his choice and I forced him to not accept it!” The line went silent except for occasional crackling.

“I’m still sorry.” He mumbled. George sighed. 

“And so am I.” He leaned against the wall, “so am I.” He repeated.

“God, I have just been having the worst time lately.” Alex grumbled, “I thought this would make me feel better, but it’s just-” He paused, “no I shouldn’t say that.” 

“What?”

“Lafayette was always the most selfless person I knew.” George nodded in agreement before he realized Alex couldn’t see him. “So why-” he was cut off by tears again, “why would he  _ do _ this to us?”

“Maybe he was tired of living his life for everyone else.” He sighed again. Alex went silent, the crackling filling the still air.

“ _ Shit.”  _ He cursed suddenly, “he told me- he told me that he was tired of living his life for everyone else. Fuck!” He heard a loud bang before Alex hissed in pain. “But it’s not just that!” He shouted, “all of us are out of a job now! I mean, him existing employed so many people who are now struggling because of him! It’s- God! It’s selfish!” he yelled. George pulled the handset off his ear, Alex’s shouting becoming overwhelming and too loud. “I’m sorry, George.” He exhaled, “I’m not mad at you, I’m not mad at him, I’m just...confused.” The line went quiet again as George began considering the idea that popped into his mind.

“How would you like to move to California?” He asked.

“What?”

“And come work for me. I’ve been losing a lot of people lately due to my own temper, so I think you and I might understand each other perfectly.” Alex let out a snort.

“Really? Just like that?”

“Lafayette was always telling me how intelligent you were, and I’m getting tired of hiring so many new people.”

“Your anger that bad?”

“Not so much anymore, but people don’t like me anymore.” He smiled, “My days in the business might very well be over, but I can give you a start. How about it?”

“I’ll call you later.”

“Very well then.”

“Goodbye George.”

“Goodbye Alex.”

Alex called back just a few hours later to accept the job offer. It was some of the best news he’d heard in what felt like decades, and then he received Ben’s postcard.

_ Hey George!  _ It read.  _ I moved to California! I’m opening up a store here soon, I’ll give you the address once it’s up and running, I expect to see you often. I’ve been saving up a lot of money for this, trust me, you’re going to love the place. We need to meet soon. I have something I need to give you. Just come by on the weekend, although you might want to call first. I better hear from you soon! _

George smiled as he read over the postcard again. So that was why Ben never responded, he was busy moving across the country and he maybe never even saw his gift. And again, George felt  _ happy.  _ Giddy and excited to drink some of his favorite coffee with, admittedly, his only good friend. 

He called the number quickly and they set up a time for George to come over to his apartment. It was small and barely livable George observed when he first stepped inside.

“Did something happen between you and Nate?” He politely asked as he sat at the table with Ben, sipping the tea he graciously made him.

“Yeah, we just couldn’t make it work so we went our different ways. Nothing horrible though.” He shrugged.

“It’s still sad when you leave someone you’ve been with for that long.”

“I guess, but it was a long time ago now. But anyway,” he shook his head, “let me show you what I have to give you.” He said, standing up from the table to shuffle over to his bedroom. He came out with a small bundle in his hands, nervously fidgeted with the clasp. “So I should probably warn you, these were his.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he gave them to me before I called you, said to give them to you when I got the chance.” He inhaled sharply, fighting back emerging tears, “Just take a look.” He quickly shoved the leather bundle into his hands.

George hesitated, running his fingers over the soft leather, wondering what its contents could be. He unclasped the small brass hook and gasped when he saw Lafayette’s face smiling back at him. He felt his heart pound in his chest as he slowly looked at each photo, his heart aching at each memory.

There was one of him that George took in his dressing room, he was half out of his costume and laughing and smiling so wide you could see his dimples even if they looked more like smudges. There was another of George in the Plaza that he wasn’t aware Lafayette took. There were dozens of photos not only of he and Lafayette but of Alex, his friends, cast members he vaguely recognized from the show. There were even a few pictures of Ben hard at work. He never knew Lafayette had those pictures developed. 

George smiled at each new picture he saw, the one he held in his hand was that of some pigeons eating scraps of food on some sidewalk in the city. While he was putting it away he noticed something scribbled on the back. He quickly flipped it over and smiled.

_ Les pigeons de New York sont dégoûtants. Je pense que je les aime. _

He wiped away the tears forming in his eyes as he stared at the lovely handwriting, as beautiful as the man himself. He wished he knew what it said, but he found himself quickly searching the backs of the other photos to read more and more things he had written. 

_ Le petit lion était si grincheux aujourd'hui _

_ Adrienne, tu danses mieux que moi _

_ Il a transformé mon pire jour en meilleur. Incroyable chocolat chaud! _

_ Ben est assez drôle _

_ Il est si mignon quand il a sommeil _

_ Je pense que je suis amoureux _

The last one had a little smile scribbled next to it, and he recognized his name next to the smile. These pictures were a glimpse into the life Lafayette led while in New York, they showed him who he was even before they met. Every picture had a few words scribbled on the back, all of them in French. The last one in the stack of photos was of the outside of Ben’s place in New York, through the window he could make out Ben and Nate, a few people inside sipping on drinks and chatting. The camera was focused on their booth, right next to the window, and it’s vacancy. There was nothing written on the back.

“He took that one after he quit the stage, gave me the pictures shortly after.” Ben piped up, sitting across from him at the table. George tore his gaze from the final photo to look at Ben, his eyes just as misty as George’s. Ben shook his head and sighed. “I should have known, I should have done something sooner, George I’m sorry.” He stuttered, mist turning to tears.

“I thought there was no use in blaming ourselves.” Ben let out a huff that resembled a laugh.

“Hard to follow your own advice sometimes.”

“Indeed.” George nodded, “thank you Ben. For these, for everything you have done for me. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.” Ben waved his hand in the air while he wiped away his tears with the other.

“Please George, you owe me nothing. Friends don’t help each other for a price, and you really needed a friend.” He smiled softly.

“I still do.” He joked, Ben frowned.

“How are you, really?”

“I could be better, I could be worse.” George shrugged.

“Oh come on, don’t give me that cryptic bullshit. Tell me how you feel.”

“I miss him terribly.” He whispered, thumbing a photograph of Lafayette that he still clung to. “I am unsure of what to do now with myself. My days are numbered and I have nothing else. I don’t believe I have ever wished to have someone else so badly. I understand what he meant now, when he told me all he did meant nothing if I was not there. It is how I feel now at the end of my line.”

“You’re not dying anytime soon.” Ben joked, “there’s no need to be so morbid about it. Even if your career goes to hell, you’ll find something. You got any hobbies?”

“Hobbies? No.” George scoffed with a chuckle.

“What about beekeeping? You seem like the kinda guy who would enjoy beekeeping. You could do that, sell your honey. Honestly, you know even if you did nothing you wouldn’t be broke.”

“You may be right, but,” He hesitated, “even with everything I feel so empty.”

“Well, I can promise you, George you’re never gonna be alone. You’ll always have me.” He smiled, “and that Alex guy that you told me about! Maybe he’ll be your new friend. My point is,” Ben sighed, “you’re in a tough spot right now. You miss him like hell and there may never be a day when you don’t miss him, but I promise you, there will be a day where it doesn’t hurt like it does now. You may not notice it at first, but suddenly you’ll realize that you’re through the worst of it and things can only go up from there.” George took in a shaky breath as tears caught up to him. 

“Thank you, Ben.” He whispered, voice shaky as he held back his tears.

“And if you ever need someone, I’m right here, okay?” Ben smiled, George nodded as he cried. Ben came over to him to give him a tight hug that George melted into. He never enjoyed a hug but he found them to be a delightful comfort at times like this, the reminder that he wasn’t alone. The feeling of knowing someone cared. He would be ok.

Ben was right, he would always miss Lafayette, but one day it wouldn’t hurt. He would find what he was truly passionate about, find something he loved, who knows? Maybe even find someone he loved. But that was a long way from now. For now he would stay with Ben a bit longer, if only to indulge in the warm feelings that were comfort and home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this!! I hope it didn’t leave you too bummed out!  
> You can check out my [tumblr](https://jacepens.tumblr.com/) where I’m working on some new stuff! (And I’m looking for a beta reader for one of my fics;) so you can find more info there!)  
> Again, thank you so much and I hope you all enjoyed it!!  
> 


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